Thursday, November 17, 2005

A Farewell to "Laguna"

Doesn’t it seem like yesterday that we were all experiencing bowling in a limousine for the first time? Stephen and LC were defacing Journey, Kelly Clarkson was being screamed at the top of everyone’s lungs and we were witness to two of the most awkward parties of all time.

Now it’s a few months later – nine months in Laguna time – and those vapid high-schoolers who don’t actually seem to go to high school (the high school bans MTV from shooting there, but honestly, like Kristin has to waste her time in Bio. We know Talan don’t deal with that “school” shit), are all grown up and going to college..err…hob-nobbing with celebrities in Los Angeles and posing provocatively in Rolling Stone. Where did the time go, and more importantly, was it worth it?

Of course I’ll say “yes”, if only because my Monday nights revolved around what dumb things Jessica would say or if Kristin would actually refer to Alex as her sidekick. I don’t know if this season was necessarily as good as last year, especially when one new character they introduced, Casey, had about ten total minutes of screen time (Which may or may not have been related to the fact she looks just like Terri Schiavo) and the other, Jason, was really boring, yet somehow managed to score every chick in Orange County. Was it the sideburns or caveman dialect? We may never know.

We still had good times. I’ll never look at bowling the same, and should I ever see fireworks in San Francisco, I’ll immediately think back to Stephen awkwardly trying to piece together his old relationship with Kristin, or at least get a quickie in his pick-up. Jessica and Jason’s awkward fights (“SWEAR ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!” and “You tell me what I’m thinking” spring to mind), coupled with the bombshell fact the Talan didn’t graduated (he always seemed so smart, though) give enough highlights to make the season worthwhile.

The finale left a lot to be lacking. I guess it’s to be expected in a series where nothing ever happens that the finale should just be a culmination of nothing happening, but I think when you take out the anticipation of “Maybe this will lead to something next week” and get stuck with a sense of finality that there will be no “Next week on Laguna Beach…”, it sort of hurts a little bit to see zero plot progress made. But if you consider that the last episode really wasn’t the finale, then you feel a little more fulfilled.

What do I mean? I want you to imagine the last two episodes never happened. Nothing really happened in them, save for a few tears shed and Stephen and Cedric making out, so it’s not hard to discard them to the same reality TV trash heap where Rebel Billionaire and Apprentice: Martha Stewart now lie. The best thing to come out of this season ended in the third-to-last-episode, and the perfection of that thirty minutes shall be what I forever remember about this season.

For the past two episodes, skeezy caveman Jason had somehow lured the not-that-bright-but-hot-enough-nobody-should-care college dropout LC into his clutches, using a hot tub and old hot rod. It all started at LC’s party, where a confused Stephen, who had been planning to hook up with LC over the summer, saw his grand scheme go up in the flames caused by the incendiary reaction that results when white bikini meets board shorts. Despite every girl going “No LC, NOOO!” and every guy going “Him?”, the most awkward couple in Laguna history were going strong, and now it was time for a fashion show with the entire gang together. Nothing like a land slide and the chance to wear skimping clothing while wasted on a runway to bring all the factions together.

And that’s where things got, well, awesome. I’d like to use a better term or paint you a masterful picture with words, but how can I possibly put how Talan’s “performance” made me feel, or how confused Jason flirting with Jessica – with LC, who is so much hotter than Jessica there is no exponent available to use that could compare them – made me. And then it happened: The Kiss Heard Round The World. Jason kisses Jessica, LC loses it. There’s Dieter attempting to solve things, Jessica lying over the phone and the beautiful opus courtesy of AJ, Brian, Howie, Kevin and Nick, “Incomplete”, playing in the background.

And as LC’s perfect white skirt mournfully sashayed into the night, that was my Laguna finale. Nothing that happened the rest of the season would top a girl finally standing up to Jason, especially LC, whose dating habits can be described as “Sorta-lust after Stephen and not seal the deal in anyway”. We had the whole gang together, for better or for worse, and the season had its high mark, so as far as this blog is concerned, Laguna Beach Season Two ended after that awkward fashion show/American Idol tryout, and things were good.

So where will things go from here? Well, we can take a poll where we predict how long each Beacher’s fifteen minutes of fame can be stretched to, and we can look at the terribleness that will be The Hills, because Lord knows LC cannot carry her own show, especially if that involves her using business savvy or going to school. I’m sure season three of Laguna will end up being interesting, but the girls all look a step down from our current ladies and the guys all appear to be 24-years old and on steroids, so good for you ladies.

But thanks, Laguna, for stemming the end of summer into the cold snows of November, because without your constant whining, trivial drama and seemingly unfulfilling lives, I couldn’t feel just a little bit better about mine. You might be richer and better looking, but at least I know I have a soul.

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