A Letter to The Hippest TV Dad Around

OC-Warning Is Also Up

Dear Sandy Cohen,

What’s the deal, my man? You used to be my hero. Your eyebrows, your one-liners, your singing ability and your smoking hot wife, and now you’re doing this? You’re potentially losing Kirsten for Kim f*cking Delaney? What are you thinking? I don’t care if you were engaged to her and her father was your legal mentor – Kirsten Cohen is one of, if not the, hottest woman on the show, and you’re risking things with her for some chick that bailed on you twenty years ago when the going got tough.

I’m not sure what’s up with you, Sandy. You’re so blind to everything going on, yet you still have time to harp to Caleb about adoption and paternity tests. However, you’re so caught up moping about with six-hour old Chinese and watching Hellboy that you don’t realize how incredibly heartbroken your son is about potentially losing Summer to Zach, the biggest wuss in OC history. And, oh yeah, the exes of your real and adopted son are now involved in a lesbian relationship, but you’re too busy trying to save the world for Rebecca Bloom that you don’t have time to realize this with your supposedly awesome detective skills.

So what’s it going to take, Sandy? The previews for next week have you being seduced in a hotel and then swerving off the road in a driving rainstorm, hopefully in that order, so I’m hoping you reject the she-devil’s advances and then she dies in a not-so-tragic car accident. I don’t like this Rebecca girl, as she is annoying. At least Rachel was saucy back when they teased an affair in Season One, but some floozie from back in the day? You’re better than that, Sandy Cohen. You deserve better, your wife deserves better and your eyebrows deserve better.

Plus, we need you to inject some life back into a couple of storylines. Sure, everyone is absolutely enamored with Seth and Summer, because they’re awesome and even when they hate each other it’s the most perfect thing ever, and there isn’t a guy in the world who doesn’t find the Alex/Marissa relationship vaguely interesting, but can someone get rid of Julie’s stupid magazine angle and then kill off Lindsay? Or turn her Caleb-evil, or maybe get her to stop whining? When things started going poorly for Marissa, she turned to drinking and prescription medication, and since Oliver was all about the cocaine, I think that leaves gambling for Lindsay’s vice. You’re telling me we couldn’t use a Standard-Issue Sandy Cohen Rescue to The Vegas, right after Caleb’s newest daughter blows her entire trust fund in one binge at the Bellagio, while Andy Garcia, James Caan and Josh Duhamel cackle in delight in the background?

No, it’s set: You’re going to get rid of Rebecca after this next episode and you’re going to apologize to your wife a thousand times over. Most importantly, you are not going to tell her you kissed Rebecca because absolutely no good can come from them, and with the dumb slut dead because of some random grizzly bear attack in the thunderstorm, no one will be the wiser. Then, united with The Most Perfect Wife In Television History Not Named Claire Huxtable, you shall drive The OC to it’s second season finale, featuring lesbian love scenes, Seth and Summer reuniting, Zach being exposed for the little bitch he is, Julie Cooper getting kicked out onto the curb and Luke and Anna dropping in for a visit. This needs to be done, it has to be done and for this to be achieved, we need you with your head screwed on, Elder Cohen. You’re the patriarch of our fine show, and we can’t have you chasing tail and not guiding our storylines.

So shape up, get rid of that trash after next week’s “biggest episode of the season”, and then take us by the hand to the place we want to go. You’re our leader, Sandy, and with DJ the Yard Guy gone, you’re the only chivalrous one left on the show…

…SO STOP MESSING AROUND WITH REBECCA BLOOM! SHE IS A TRAMP!

I apologize for that outburst, you just make me so angry sometimes.

Obsessively Yours,

Chris Wilson