Wednesday, July 04, 2007

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"

Two matters of great importance to clear up for everyone on this awkward, middle-of-the-work-week holiday. First, even though it will not be a fully functioning Kobayashi against new world record holder and American hope Joey Chestnut at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest, this is still going to be worth watching at high noon on the World Wide Leader. Last year, Blog O' Fun operatives Jack Frost and KFE attended the event and filed these reports, which are as hyperbole-laden as you would hope from the guy who wrote his TCE in our freshman Epic Poetry class in the form of epic poetry. Seriously, you probably want to read the whole thing again:

Eating hot dogs is the universal measure of patriotism, and only one Japanese dares to carry it on his back, never wavering to the temptations of a white flag. As the bell tolls, the great feast of feasts begins its intrepid 12-minute climax. The glorious dogs, snuggled effortlessly in their tight buns, gleamed as the sunshine glistened across their moist meatiness. I dare say that there has never been a more stunning day, with the crisp blue sky gently kissing the heads of all who came to such a sight, bestowing its blessing on the shoulders of the poor and weak. With every second, Kobayashi fought furiously, sinking his lordly jaws into the meal that has claimed so many in the past. No one dares forget the misfortunes of Poppa William Higgins, who knew no limit. Once a king among competitive eaters, he now lays at the bottom of a merciless ranking system, victim of the cowardly Hotdogscrumptilitus. Like a sharp blade piercing the heart of a Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, the disease has claimed yet another soul of the courageous.

As the clock collapses toward its final toll, Kobayashi and Lord Chestnut are standing side by side, both approaching the heavenly mark of 50 dogs. Is our noble knight doomed at the hands of an American challenger? History reveals terrible results for such clashes (I think you know what I’m talking about), but I know history is to be rewritten this day. With the last second, our steed Kobayashi slams home his 54th weiner!! Chestnut has been vanquished, and the glorious Japanese nation is to be hoisted high above the heavens for all eternity. Dare I say they now sit with the likes of Zeus himself, looking blissfully down on the world in which they have created, together. Man has dared to dream, and Man has overcome…

And secondly, my favorite holiday/movie connection that doesn't involve Christmas carols, it's time for a little Bill Pullman inspiration...

“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!’ We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

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