Thursday, November 10, 2005

Poorly Articulated, Mumbled Ramblings - So, 50 Cent-style

(The following blog ramblings, instead of using “asterisks” to separate my random thoughts, will use blurbs about 50 Cent’s upcoming movie, Get Rich Or Die Trying. Remember, his real name is Curtis Jackson.)

The 20,000th hit on this blog belonged to that man, the myth and the legend, Peter Winter. I couldn’t be happier that he was the winner, because that means the gift I can give him is retroactive to October 15th, with the shiny box he’ll be opening containing the spot that the refs gave Matt Leinart when he went out of bounds.

And no, I’m not bitter. Onward and upward…

"50? Well, as an actor he’s a great rapper. His inexperience shows."

The general sentiment between the South Bend OC experts after last week’s episode was “too neat, too clean, too quick.” They could have dragged out the Dean Hess/TaylorTrash storyline for another month, but almost as if they felt compelled by the month-long break to wrap everything up, they axed it quickly. Of course, I’m not complaining about Sandy Cohen bluffing with a Sidekick, but I would have rather seen it after a few more buttings of heads between Summer and her rival. Now, she’ll probably be kicked to the curb quicker than you can say Ryan’s mom.

Do you realize that the only continuing storyline from the first episode of this season, other than the never-ending Ryan-Marissa saga that nobody cares about, is the whole Jeri Ryan extortion plan? It better have one helluva pay-off, because as other storylines are kicked to the curb, we keep on rolling with this one. The Season One running storyline was the “Seth/Summer/Anna, then Seth/Summer” relationship, which was absolutely fantastic and used the three best teenage (and I use that term loosely) actors on the show. Throw in the fact Ryan was still getting used to Newport culture and the transformation of Luke from bully to broseph, and you had good times.

What was the running storyline last year? Seth vs. Zach? Lindsay/Marissa/Ryan? Those sucked. The entire season was lame until they injected Trey into the storyline, started raping people and inserted The Slut (notice how things always get better when random high schoolers are inserted as rivals/plot devices).

While I was happy The OC was back – ecstatic, really – I couldn’t help but thing it could have and should have been better. Round two of Season Three, Version 2.0 is tonight. Here’s hoping it’s better.

"With the emotional range of a wet sock, Jackson mumbles through his lines with a blank expression."

So I finally think I have this whole BCS bowl selection thing figured out. We’ll just assume for the purpose of need and the fact if one of them does lose, this season becomes a thousand times more interesting, that Texas and USC go to the Rose Bowl. After that, it sort of gets complicated.

Each BCS bowl has certain tie-ins for when they’re not hosting the championship game, as Pasadena is this year. They are as follows.

Rose- Pac 10, Big Ten
Fiesta- Big XII
Sugar- SEC
Orange- ACC or Big East (The Orange Bowl picks, so for the sake of this year, we’ll just say ACC.)

After the assigned conference champs are distributed, the bowls take turns selecting an at-large teams. To be an at-large team, you be under consideration for an at-large berth, you have to be Top Twelve in the BCS. If you’re in the top four and not a conference champ, you automatically go. This is the draft order.

1. Orange
2. Fiesta
3. Sugar

But because the Fiesta Bowl has an open slot due to Texas, the Big XII champ, going to the Rose Bowl, that means they get the first crack at the remaining conference champs (Big East and Big Ten) or any of the at-large teams (Hellllllo, Irish.) Our order now looks like this, with the teams already in each bowl in parentheses. And I’m gonna assume current champs, despite the fact Penn State and Miami (FL) could lose and Alabama probably will.

1. Fiesta (no teams)
2. Orange (Miami)
3. Fiesta (Still no teams)
4. Sugar (Alabama)

What it basically boils down to is the two hottest properties (see: the two teams that have been suffering for a while and whose fanbase would flock to a marquee game) would be Penn State and Notre Dame, which means that one of us would be taken by the Fiesta first, and unless some other fantastic team became available somehow, the Orange Bowl would take the other. Hopefully, the Orange decides they’d like a nice piece of Georgia, a one-loss Bama team or Ohio State, because that’s the only way the Fiesta Bowl will feature the Nittany Lions and the Fighting Irish.

That was way too difficult. I @!#$)#@ing hate the @#$*#@$ing BCS.

My Projected BCS Bowls

Rose - Texas (11-0) vs. USC (11-0)
Fiesta - Notre Dame (9-2) vs. Ohio State (9-2)
Orange - Miami (10-1) vs. Penn State (10-1)
Sugar - LSU/Alabama/UGA (10-1) vs. West Virginia (10-1)

(Other than the Sugar Bowl, those are actually three really good, borderline great, games. Of course, if Alabama’s undefeated or Texas loses one, things get really interesting and a lot more fun.)

"50 spends the film with one look on his face, and it’s the look that you imagine a caveman would have when confronted with a cellphone."

Due to powers beyond my control, the blog is probably going into a hibernation for the rest of the semester. Not that I won’t update, it just won’t happen very often, and will probably be more along the lines of random links and no commentary on anything, which I hate doing because it’s cheap and classless, but time is not going to be permitting. All of those English classes that didn’t require me to do a whole lot during the year are rearing their ugly heads in the way of final papers, so I’ll be churning out forty to fifty pages of Existentialism, women’s role in early American literature, some Brit Lit crap and a short novella about my time spent at PennDOT.

I’m thinking maybe about branching the blog out for the last few weeks, maybe giving the keys to some people who can turn out a few posts a week and are not otherwise occupied with online posting (Barcus, Dill, JoBu) or people who just surf the internet a lot and would have lots of cool links to post (Chad, Sean, Patrick). We’ll see how I can spread out the work. With the sacrifice of a weekend night or two, I should be able to get through a paper weekend.

"On one hand you've got Tupac Shakur, Will Smith, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, Ice-T, LL Cool J, Sean Combs and Andre Benjamin. On the other you've got 50 Cent. This kid stinks! "

Fantastic Mockumentary Idea: Starting in February of any given year, tell the story of four couples who are attempting to have the first child of the New Year. How much black comedy is available in that? There has to be a creative med student out there who can churn the script out and sell it to Christopher Guest, where the master can edit it to his liking and find the perfect role for Eugene Levy.

I’d write it, but A) I’m not talented enough and B) That’s a helluva lot of research to do. Somebody get on this, stat.

"Good news for 50 Cent! He doesn't have to worry about finding a date and a tux for the Oscars, because he won't be invited. He's playing himself, HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?!? "

I’m going to take the time for extended posts on the following, if it kills me/my grades.

1) Why you should be watching My Name Is Earl. Honestly, people, this is the Prison Break of comedies, only you don’t have to see any of the back episodes to appreciate it. Just sit down, enjoy the positive messages, redneck jokes and reliance on karma and its multi-cultured army.

2) The NFL MVP race. Tom Brady and LT gave up early leads, which apparently has opened the door for Steve Smith (?!) in some pundits’ eyes. If he keeps this performance up, give it to him, but he’s got the same chances of winning MVP at receiver as Larry Fitz did at winning the Heisman unless he keeps up the “two touchdowns, 150 yards a game” pace. And if one more person says “Peyton Manning, not for his numbers, but for his team’s success”, then I’m going to murder them with a large stone with the words ”Tom Brady, 14-2 Two Straight Seasons, No MVP’s” on it.

And then over winter break, when all of this “school work” is behind me, and I’m just sitting around my home, sipping grapefruit juice and nursing novel after novel as the snow flutters around outside and Christmas music floats through the house, I’m going to do these:

1) Comprehensive college All-American team, with Dill and I poring over statistic after statistic until we’ve chosen the best for you and/or beaten each other into a bloody pulp.

2) The Top Ten Arrested Development episodes of all time, which will be the most difficult and most beautiful thing I’ve done since the All-Time West Shamokin volleyball team, all rolled into one.

"Think of it as Mariah Carey’s Glitter, only with more murders."

That’s maybe my favorite blurb – you can find them all here – as I take leave to my couch for a night of The OC, Fresno State/Boise State and Pistons/Suns, followed by an early morning of me curled up with my good man and fellow philosopher, Martin Buber. Happy 20th to my dearest Rina today, and a happy 50th to my dad tomorrow, and yes, I remembered even before my Mom e-mailed me yesterday to remind me.

California, here we come….

(Acoustic, “California 2005” style, now available on iTunes.)

No comments: