WARNING: Explicit OC-related content to follow

Dear Zach,

I’m not sure what your last name is, because if it was mentioned, it was mentioned in passing. I didn’t want to call you “Zach The Senator’s Son”, because you don’t ever bring that up, and I didn’t want to call you “Zach the Comic Boy Guy”, because that is Seth’s thing. I could probably call you “Zach, Summer’s Bitch”, but that’s a little harsh and I want to address that now.

When this season started, we thought that you were going to be Seth’s rival for Summer’s affection, and you were for a short period of time. But then Seth found smoking hot, bisexual-cutie Alex, and things sizzled down between him and his old flame. This is when we expected that other shoe to drop and you to either be bitterly jealous, possessive, crazy, homicidal or something. Hell, we would have took you being gay just to make the whole thing interesting.

But you weren’t, my man, you weren’t. Here you were, on the water polo team so you had the bad-ass varsity athlete thing down like Luke did, but you were also a comic book lover, a man of the arts, like our sensitive lead Seth. But then you throw in the fact that you also read newspapers, and it just throws us for a loop. There isn’t a single teen character on the show who isn’t totally obsessed with themselves, let alone understanding world politics. What was your flaw, Zach, what was your flaw?

You don’t really have one, unless you count being sorta girly. You don’t appear to drink or do any drugs, and allow me to repeat, you like comic books and you once watched the entire first season of The Valley in Summer’s room when she blew you off for the fifteenth million time and you went crawling back to her.. When your fellow water poloer was putting the moves on Summer at The Bait Shop last night, you needed to lay him out right there. You did it to Cohen back at the Sn-OC dance, but you immediately regretted it. You have to enjoy the violence. Luke never backed away from Ryan, and look where that got him.

….bad example, but what I’m saying is, you have to fight for Summer, my man. You know that once Marissa starts hooking up with Alex, or at least we can hope so, that Seth is going to go after the hottest girl in Newport, and you have to defend your turf. You’re funny, you’re nice, you’re intelligent and you’re what the ladies call “a cutie”, so don’t stand idly by while your comic book brethren steals your girl. It can’t happen, especially since from all accounts, the only problem is that you’re too nice.

But this niceness thing has gotten you the hook up with Summer for six months now, and even without the nookie, that’s got to be some pretty quality spooning time. So kudos to you, Zach, because despite the fact you act like a girl and appear doomed to lose Summer and be written off the show, you’re a good guy, and there’s something to be said for that, even in Newport. Heck, the only other legitimate good guy on the show, Sandy, scored Kirsten as his wife, so things might not be all bad for you. I wish you the best in your future conquests – but stay out of politics like your old man - and if push comes to shove, use some of the tactics Colin Hanks taught you when you binged on The Valley, or better yet, spend some more time in DC and hook up with one of the Bush twins.

No, scratch that. For you, Zach, you deserve both.

Obsessively yours,
Chris Wilson