Thursday, July 13, 2006

Captain Jack Returns To the Silver Screen (and I loved every second of it), plus Peyton Manning Playing In Notre Dame Stadium?

This first section has all sort of Pirates 2 spoilers in it. Skip down to the next asterik if you want nothing ruined.

As far as I’m concerned, the summer movie season has finally – after a very extended delay – graced us with its presence.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest will not, and should not, be known as a perfect movie. It certainly has flaws – its slow to start, the plot is more complicated than the original’s was, there is a certain circular motion to the action (fight at sea, run on land) that is somewhat predictable – but for the first time in theaters this summer, I had fun. It’s just a three letter word that signifies what the summer box office is supposed to be about. I’m tired of the painful attempts at realism in The Break-Up, the massive amounts of main character deaths/neuterings in X3 and the Christ-imagery and overly depressing nature Superman Returns. I just wanted to see an actor at the peak of his performing abilities surrounded by three-dimensional, noble and ignoble characters and special effects that make you forget they’re special effects.

To start off, Johnny Depp was just as sensational as he was the first time as Captain Jack Sparrow, the role that got him an Oscar nomination for acting in a movie based on a freaking Disney theme park ride. He’s a character that’s only out for himself, yet there still seems to be enough positive qualities to him that make him endearing as a leader and a man. It is at the end of the movie, where he’s shackled to the mast, just betrayed by Keira Knightley and facing the imminent return of the kraken, where Depp shines brightest. He realizes what is occurring is for the best, spits out “Pirate” like a proud father and then goes sword-to-teeth with the monster itself. If that was our last image of Captain Jack – and thankfully it won’t be – it would have been fitting.

The supporting cast in the movie really saved it where the plot started to falter. Orlando Bloom seemed very much not a pansy and not annoying as Will Turner, reuniting with his father aboard The Flying Dutchman and battling Jack for the key to Davy Jones’ chest. Davy Jones himself, voiced by “Christmas Is All Around” singer Bill Nighy, was as realistic of a villain as you could get for one that had qualities of a pirate, a squid and a crustacean. The CGI in some of the films the last few summers – Doc Ock in Spiderman 2, the attack pods in War of the Worlds and now the crew of The Dutchman – have all been really amazing. Keira Knightley just seems built to exist in the 19th century, wearing glamorous dresses and flashing her cheekbones dusted with angel dust. Out of her cinematic habitat, she sometimes seems waif-like, but with a sword strapped to her side or gown around her gorgeous self, she seems nearly perfect.

I really think I would have enjoyed this movie if it had just been two hours of them playing the music – amazing John Williams or Danny Elfman wasn’t somehow involved with the perfect piratey score – and having choreographed sword fights like the three-man battle inside the rushing mill wheel. The plot is rather confusing, but when you break it down to the fact that five or six different individuals all need the same object for varying reasons of good and evil, the other stuff doesn’t really matter. Lost in all of the undead monkeys and soul sellings is the fact that a rather intriguing love triangle has been crafted, one where the fair maiden involved seems to have an easy “good” versus “evil” choice, but things slowly skew as Sparrow returns to help fight the kraken on the Pearl.

If you’re upset it had a cliffhanger ending, oh boo hoo; do your research and realize they’ve already filmed the majority of the third one, which comes out next summer. A lot of great trilogies had wide-open second acts – Empire Strikes Back, Back to the Future 2, The Two Towers, Spiderman 2 (I’m assuming it will be great) – and closed out just fine. If you weren’t slightly giddy about Captain Barbossa walking down the stairs (despite the obvious fact that A) He’s dead and B) Would have no real reason to want to help Jack), then you were taking this movie way too seriously. Plus, aren’t you just happy to have Geoffrey Rush back!? Come on, people, let us enjoy the ride while it lasts. Tortuga is turning into our generation’s Mos Eisley, Captain Jack our Han Solo/Indiana Jones and this trilogy a chance to be one of the all-time greats. As long as the third one goes the way of The Last Crusade and not Matrix Revolutions, these adventures will be ones to be remembered.


Not to rub it into Superman Returns, but despite its eight-day head start, Pirates 2 has already made 34 million more than it as of last night’s early box office returns. However, when going over the bright spots of the new Man of Steel venture, I neglected to point out the guy playing Lois Lane’s fiancé, James Marsden. He was never annoying, seemed to be a good father and was downright heroic at times, saving both Lois, the kid and Superman all at the various times in the movie. PopWatch appreciates his contribution to the movie, and I apologize for not mentioning how solid he was.

To make Pirates’ amazing gross even more exciting, CNBC somehow thought that the James Cameron-Vincent Chase film Aquaman was real, meaning that more people like me need to be in mass media so they can tell the difference between real life and Entourage.


Imagine my excitement while looking through EverdayShouldBeSaturday’s preemptive look at the second weekend of college football action and I find out that Penn State is implementing the Indianapolis Colts offense for Anthony Morelli and company to use this year. While the article here doesn’t make too much mention of how exactly it will be implemented, save for trying to keep the junior pothead back in the shotgun, I can only imagine this scenario and smile with glee:

First-year starter making his first legit road start (starting in Bloomington his freshman year doesn’t count, sorry), waving his arms frantically in the air like a confused maestro as the loud din of 80,000 fans wash over him. An audible is misheard, Tommy Z reads Morelli’s bloodshot eyes and easily returns his offering for a touchdown, knocking out a few Penn State offensive linemen on the way with devastating hooks.

Considering I might never get the joy of heckling Peyton Manning in person, this will be my best opportunity. Also, on a “Are You Ready For Some Football?” note, The Saxophone Guy on the Bridge was playing after the Home Run Derby, and to reward him for his undying support of the Pirates, I had money in hand ready to tip. As I approached, I realized my beloved saxophone guy was playing “HAIL TO THE VICTORS”, and actually yelled “Go Blue”. Needless to say, he was not tipped..


Compliments of Barcus, there is a petition online to bring Mischa Barton back to The OC. The samplings he sent me from the comments section of said petition, with his added commentary:

I support this petition because I support this petition 100%. Saving
MarissaCooper is saving The OC, cause without her it willlose a lot of fans.
Seems redundant

I support this petition because BRING HER BACK!!!
Lots of people will notwatch the show without her, including me!

Good reason?

I support this petition because I Support this because i think the way they
killedher was obsene. BRING COOP BACK!
The ocwill not go on without

Not being able to spell obscene is obsene

I support this petition because i support this petiton because i agree that
theydidnt have to kill marissa off, they could havejust wrote her character out
of the show and lefta window there at least i mean i was crying hard enough when
i thought she was moving away when she died i couldnt handle it.

I support this petition because Put her in a coma, damnit. DYING? What the hell.
Her and Ryan are supposed to end up together andmake pretty babies and all that
nice stuff. SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO DIE. Have some respect forus stupid fans who've
been watching since day1 and wanted Ryan and Marissa together. We'vebeen
waiting an awfully long time, don't yathink? GIVE US BACK OUR BALLS and our
couple andone half of our couple.
Unless this wasto rattle us up and she's really alive or youplan on doing
something awesome with her (likeflashbacks, lots of R/M flashbacks when they
werehappy and having sex) or...something. Just dosomething. We love her too
much, please.
This is by far my favorite

To be fair, those are all my favorites.


If you didn't read Pete and Kaelyn's accounts of Kobayashi below yet, please do, as they use hyperbole in a way that makes me blush. My favorite part?

That man… Kobayashi. For atop a glorious crane, the man raised towards the heavens. Once a scrappy piece of human flesh, he is now a hulking mass of godly immortalness. The stomach size of a bull, the heart of lion, he walks saintly on the stage towards his archrival, the dragon in the dusk, Lord Joey Chestnut. For if ever two greater forces were to meet, it would surely be the end of our world, as God and Satan battle for our righteous land.

Kaelyn also made a reference to Ann Coulter french-kissing Hilary Clinton, which will probably be the first and last Ann Coulter reference ever made in this space. If you write it, I will probably post it.


I’m still debating on whether I’ll have cajones enough to see Snakes on a Plane in theaters. I realize they’ll be CGItastic and Sam Jackson will safely kill them all, but still, I’m a wuss deep down on the inside. Thankfully, I can just play the board game. (Mad kudos to Jake.)


Incase another post doesn’t make it up over the weekend – though one probably will, look at all the stuff that’s gone up so far this week! – I’ll wish you all a very happy weekend. We’re closing in ever so quickly on the 30,000 mark, and I greatly appreciate it. Happy Friday, folks.

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