Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Eve Eve

Before the Blog O’ Fun goes on a (scheduled, unlike the usual) weekend hiatus, I’ll take it as my civic/Christmas/birthday boy duty to get you prepared for the weekend.

Now, I don’t know how your families do the Christmas thing, but due to traumatic traveling-to-visit-family-all-day events imparted on my mother during her childhood, she’s vowed that her kids would never have to leave the house on Christmas day. That’s worked just fine with me, so tomorrow is my big family day. Watching the Steeler game with drunken uncles on the maternal side at my grandparents’ early and coming back home for dad’s side of the family in the evening.

For the sake of being a good guide, I’ll hit you up with enough stuff to keep you busy on both days.


There’s the obvious choices, as NBC airs It’s A Wonderful Life religiously on Christmas Eve night, and you’ll find A Christmas Story - a holiday movie I downright loathe – on TBS as opposed to TNT this year. Sadly, if I’m reading this correctly, FX will not be showing 24 hours of Jingle All The Way but instead is showing Daddy Day Care? I’m not even sure what to say about this. I’m obviously too angry to address it correctly, so we’ll just move on.

For those of you who “did work on Monday nights” and “don’t have Tivo”, MTV is running a double marathon of Laguna Beach season two and My Super Sweet Sixteen tomorrow as well. If there’s not enough class involved in those two shows to get you through the day, Spike’s running it’s “Days of 007”. When are my favorites on?

9:00 AM, Christmas Eve: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which doesn’t receive enough credit because people don’t consider George Lazenby a real Bond. He’s one of the best, in my mind, and this has the best music of any Bond movie.

5:30 PM, Christmas Eve: Goldfinger, which was the third Bond, but the first blockbuster Bond. It’s got the name Pussy Galore, so you know it’s good.

8: 00, Christmas Eve: Diamonds are Forever, so you can see what Kanye is sampling from and see the last Bond movie featuring Sean Connery – because Never Say Never Again NEVER HAPPENED.

Twice on Christmas Night: The World Is Not Enough, which is a terrible Bond, but Denise Richard’s character’s name is Christmas. And, oh by the way, Denise Richards plays a nuclear scientist in this movie. If you think that’s bad, imagine how I feel that they’re not placing Angelina or Charlize as the new Bond girl and instead are going for…..for…..Jessica Simpson. Mr. Craig, the pressure is now on you.

(You people didn’t realize I was a Bond aficionado, did you? I’m full of nerdy surprises, just stay with me.)

And finally, to get you ready for the Christmas holiday, tune into Comedy Central at 10:00 on Christmas Eve for “Red Sleigh Down”, or what is probably the most blasphemous thirty minutes of TV ever aired. Quick synopsis: Cartman convinces Santa to attempt to take Christmas to Iraq, Santa gets shot down, Jesus and the boys go to save him. It goes downhill from there, if you can imagine things getting any worse from what I just described to you.


You have your favorites, but let me strongly suggest my personal favorites, A Muppet Christmas Carol and Jingle All The Way. You might scoff at Arnold’s Christmas movie, but it’s got Phil Hartman, so you know it can’t be all bad. The Muppet’s take on Dickens is my favorite, if only for the songs “It Feels Like Christmas” and “One More Sleep”.

You also can’t go wrong with Love Actually, unless you’re watching it with little kids or stodgy old people. Please avoid Prancer, because I hate it so, and if you’re going to be watching a Grinch, make sure it is cartoon and not Carrey. Can’t go wrong with any of the stop-go claymation, although Rudolph is obviously the best. Burl Ives, Cornelius and the Abominable? There’s probably something wrong with you if you don’t own this.

If you plan on hitting up the theaters, allow me to strongly recommend King Kong again and give The Family Stone a solid “Ehhhhhh”. In a quick scan of RottenTomatoes, The Producers and Fun With Dick And Jane are both not so good. Munich will be solid, and will also classy you up come Oscar time, but is a terrorist movie really how you want to spend your holidays?


The bowl game selection tonight and tomorrow is terribly unappealing – Kansas vs. Houston, Nevada vs. UCF – but luckily the NFL is here to bail things out. If you’re stuck in Western PA like me, you’ll be watching the Steelers against Charlie Frye and Browns on CBS, but hopefully Ohio’s second-finest turn this into a blowout early enough that they’ll switch to Chiefs/Chargers, which might be the best game of this season considering the loser is eliminated from the playoffs. On FOX, there’s two huge games at 1:00, as the Falcons and Redskins are in must-wins against the Buccaneers and Giants. Also tomorrow early, you get a playoff rematch from a two years back as the Cowboys and Panthers go at it.

Sunday there’s not a whole lot in the way of football, other than Rex Grossman attempting to get playoff ready against the crappy Packers offense while the Monsters of the Midway sacrifice Brett Favre on the fifty. Thankfully, there’s solid NBA games to entertain, with the 20-3 Pistons playing the defending champions early and Shaq/Kobe III late.


This will probably be the last extended post until Sunday night or Monday morning, unless I get inspired or some free time pops up. Again, all birthday presents can be dropped off at the house or mailed to me, and if you hadn’t had time to get me anything yet, I won’t be offended if it comes next week.

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