Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Ten Step Plan To Be A Country Recording Sensation

(I told you – I had a lot of time.)

1) First off, I’m going to need a name change. Chris Wilson won’t work because it’s going to get me questions asked about Gretchen Wilson. I noticed that people who have two first names (Toby Keith, Willie Nelson) or a last name that can be used confusingly (Garth Brooks – Brooks and Dunn) are pretty successful, so I think I’ve decided on a pretty good name:

Roy Samuels

2) Now, I’m going to need my first single, and since there’s only a limited number of country song-types, I need to be careful. I either go catchy-fun then somber-sad, or vice-versa. I’m going to go with catchy-fun first, and relate to something everyone can relate to: family reunions. My first hit single will be “Samuels Family Reunion”, and the chorus will go a little something like this:

”At the Samuels Family Reunion
Everyone’s feeling great
Nobody’s complainin’
Cuz everybody just ate
But if by chance the beer stops flowing
You know that I’ll be going
Cuz at the Samuels Family Reunion
There’s everyone I hate”

(Like you can’t see people going absolutely crazy singing the “you know I’ll be goooooing” – which will be held out for effect, of course.)

Hit Single One: Composed.

3) Now, my second single is going to have to be a sad one. A “The Good Stuff”, or your typical “My woman just left me for a trucker who took my trailer, too”. I’ve been informed Kenny Chesney makes reference to going to college, so why can’t I? I’ll be the educated country star, and my second single will be a sad, heart-breaking melody about being with a girl one year at school, then losing her to some hometown honey over the summer and her not being with me the following year.

The video will get some minor soap star (the old Belle from Days of Our Lives, Kristen Storms, perhaps?) to star as the girl, and some really sleazy looking guy as the dude she leaves me for, and lots of old photos of us together pinned up in my dorm room. It’s going to be positively heart-breaking, and any female not on my side at this point in time will be swooned.

Hit Single Two: Composed.

(I told you – I had a lot of time.)

4) Now I’m going to need my niche song. There’s Brad Paisley’s fishing song, Kenny Chesney’s tractor song, Lonestar’s Mr. Mom song, stuff like that. I think I’m going to go with a song about mowing. It’ll start really tense, talking about all the problems I have in life. Then, with the chorus, it’ll get all happy. Rhyming something like ”Once I start mowin’….something something….my troubles will be goin’”, it’ll be great. Then, to end the chorus, I’ll rhyme “grass” with something about my boss kissing my ass, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about country songs, anyone in an authority position is immediately bad and should be hated. “5:00 Somewhere”, “Kiss This”, songs like these inform me of this. Now, I’m a guy who has family troubles, women troubles and like to mow grass: I’m you. You love me. You’ll buy anything I put out.

Hit Single Three: Composed.

5) But I don’t get lazy. Now, I start my summer tour. But I’d have planned this before I got really popular, so I’ll hit up small county fairs and country music festivals, but my growing popularity due to the mowing song will have tickets being absolutely coveted. People will be showing up with their lawn chairs at five in the morning. “Roy Samuels’ Summer Jamboree” will be the surprise hit of the summer, with CMT doing a live recording at my final performance at the Great Dayton Fair.

6) Now while I’m on tour, we’ll release the final single from my first CD. It’ll be my “I Love This Bar” and “Friends In Low Places”, a rollicking drinking song with a saloon piano playing in the background. Maybe we’ll call it “Liquor is Quicker” or something catchy like “The Fiddle and The Firewater”, but there will be a saloon piano, there will be a long, rousing chorus and there will be no doubt that people will be cranking it up on those long summer drives.

Hit Single Four: Composed.
Hit Album One: Complete

7) It’ll now be time for my second album, and at this point in time people will listen and buy whatever I put out. This set of songs will be absolute crap. Using the same melodies from my first CD with different words, doing a couple covers of old boy band songs, maybe a duet or two, just easy stuff I don’t have to think about.

Except for one song, which will be CMA/Grammy winning-ticket. “Huntin’ With My Pappy”, all about a young man who goes hunting with his grandfather every year until one day his grandpa tells him that he’s sick and doesn’t have much time left, and how they spend his last few weeks hunting and tell stories. I feel I would be really touched by this song having spent time hunting with my granddad, so I can’t imagine how anyone else couldn’t be. It’ll be tear-jerking, people will cry, I’ll get the award and give a long winded speech about how I put a lot of work into this album (or just that song) and how my fans mean everything to me, only to break down before I’m finished and be escorted off the stage by Faith Hill, who would be presenting.

Hit Single Five: Composed
Hit Album Two: Complete
Lifelong Adoring Fans: Complete

8) I figure in a couple of years, we’ll be in a losing war with Iran, so I’ll declare my undying support of the president. I want to appeal to mainly country fans, so the liberals will have to be shoved aside (Where’d ya go, Dixie Chicks?). The red states will love me, and I’ll start wearing red, white and blue wherever I go. Roy “Uncle” Samuels is what they’ll start calling me, and I’ll eventually adopt the big hat for a roaring 4th of July concert.

9) The 4th of July concert will be recorded as my third album, a live tribute to the United States of America. It’ll feature me mainly singing patriotic songs, plus duet versions of a lot of my old songs. Garth Brooks and I singing “The Fiddler and the Firewater”, Brad Paisley backing me up on my mowing song and a stirring rendition of my tale of a lover lost during the summer sang by myself and Carrie Underwood. It’ll go diamond in three months, and I’ll be set.

Hit Album Three: Complete

10) This is where I either get engaged to a fellow country star – perhaps Gretchen Wilson, maybe I steal Faith Hill – or a lower-tier Hollywood star – Kate Bosworth doesn’t seem busy as of late. My next album will just be cheesy love songs about my newfound fiancé, along with another saloon song or two, and I’ll continue to make millions of dollars a year while rehashing old songs with different words with an occasional curve thrown in.

Ten steps to country superstardom. Where’s my guitar?

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