Monday, January 17, 2005

Chris: I wanted to review yesterday’s games - you know, the one where Peyton Manning lost Big Game Number 73 of his career- in a special way, so I’m here with the main man of Dillon 116, Brendan Donahue.

Brendan: Hey big tiggas, whats up? I’m just here to tell you what went down in the hizzouze.

Chris: Now Brendan’s a native New Englander and big Patriot fan, so he had a rooting interest in this other than simply Evil Lord Manning’s demise. I don’t particularly like the Patriots, but I hate the Colts enough I felt like a native…Brendan, what’s a word for a native New Englander?

Brendan: Vigger. V-I-G-G-E-R. Some of us like to say A instead of E, to sound more “gangsta”-like. Now we chose Vigger for ourselves because it combines both things we want to be: Vikings and wiggers, because you know there’s not a lot of black people up in New England. They can’t take the cold.

Chris: 100 percent inappropriate. Totally inappropriate, but I can dig it. So what do you think was the main reason the Patriots won yesterday?

Brendan: Peyton’s hands had bad circulation. It was just too cold out there.

Chris: I’d agree. I was really happy to see it snowing out there. But you can’t blame it all on Peyton, because it wasn’t like his receivers were doing anything too great. They were only good enough to score over 500 points for him this season. I guess there’s no “Under 40 Degree” guarantee on Harrison, Stokley and Wayne.

Brendan: His passes were more grotesque than usual. If I were Stokley, I would have pulled Peyton by the mask, put my finger down my throat and then threw chunks all over his face, and then slapped him for good measure.

Chris: ummmm…good. I don’t think you can blame it on the Colts defense, which valiantly held Tom Brady to only six points in the first half. But when Peyton can’t get a first down, and Dominic Rhodes gets the ball literally ripped out of his hands by Tedy Bruschi, you have to question the Indy 500 offense.

Brendan: That’s what us viggers like to refer to as “getting tiggity-biggity-bitch-slapped. Many have fallen to the strong arms of Mr. Bruschi – I like to call him Dr. Bruschi.

Chris: If you haven’t read it yet, Dill already wrote me a formal apology on his blog for him being so wrong about Peyton stepping up this year. He said that while Peyton wasn’t good, neither was Tom Brady. I told him that Brady wasn’t billed as the Greatest Quarterback To Ever Grace The National Football League. Any thoughts on Brady’s, and Corey Dillon’s, performance yesterday?

Brendan: Although Brady didn’t have a spectacular game, I thought he did look sexy with his lip gloss and formal hairdo. Dillon, on the other hand, kicked some big ass. His carries were amazing and I’ve never seen an ass that tight move for so many yards-

Chris: What in God’s name are you even-

Brendan: so sexy that it made me want to spend 300 dollars to get over there so I could slap him “Good job” on the ass. I would never wash my hands, just like Peyton Manning always says on his commercials.

Chris: Yeah, Peyton should probably look at a career in acting now instead of football. He tries so hard to be liked, but it still seems that most of the Patriots defenders, and their fans, sure don’t like him. But I guess it’s just the Patriots he can’t beat, since you know, the Jets beat him 41-0 way back in 2002.

Brendan, mumbling: Corey Dillon’s butt looked so sexy…

Chris: Um, yes, he’s an attractive, wide-faced fellow.

Brendan: That’s not even the half of it. His calves make you wanna stroke oil on them and his little button nose makes you want to give you little pecks all day long and when he bats his eyelashes at you when he scores a touchdown and gives you the stand-straight, erect….figure, it just makes me wanna go to the bathroom for a while.

Chris: ….I’m not really sure what to say there. The truth of the matter is, the better team won last night, it was just the fact every NFL analyst told you that Peyton was better than a team that’s lost four games combined in the last two years. Do you like the Patriots’ chances in Pittsburgh next week? Vegas actually has them as three-point favorites on the road in an AFC Championship game.

Brendan: Now I know our record there is not-that-great, but if I know what Pittsburgh puts out for fans – Andy MacKrell and Dill as a reference – then I know they’re a bunch of bandwagon bitches, so their linemen have got to be a bunch of lip-stick wearing, panty-hose tying, leg-shaving, eyelash-curling, eyebrow-plucking, nosepicking….well, you get the gist.

Chris: I don’t really see the connection there, but I take it you’re picking the Patriots to win?

Brendan: Basically if I had one person in the world to punch in the face, it would be Dill, and I know the Patriots feel the same way about every person on the Steelers team and they know that beating them at home will be an even bigger deal because all the Steeler fans will be like “Oh, we didn’t like them anyway” and will finally realize that football is not their true passion, because they didn’t even support their team last year.

Chris: This is true. My prediction will come later in the week, but I think we’ve covered yesterday’s events pretty well. Anything to close out, my man?

Brendan: We’re going to shock the Steelers and would like to take a big bite out of Corey Dillon’s buttocks.

Chris: Fantastic. Thanks for reading, and I’m sorry that really had very little to do with football…and wait, Danny Klee just walked in. Your picks for Sunday, Danny?

Danny: Eagles and Patriots.

Chris: Alright, that’s it for now. Happy Tuesday, and may the days until Sunday go quickly.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Danny is half wrong. Patriots are gonna win (though don't tell MacKrell I think so), but the Falcons are gonna light up the Eagles. That is if the Eagles aren't mistaken and think that the game is just round two. We all know they are hopeless in the conference championship. Oh yeah, and the Falcons have Vick...not that I'm biased or anything.

Patrick 110